HOW TO DODGE THE BIG BULLY CALLED LIFE?

Life gives you some of the hardest times; it’s like the big bully you face every day in school. These bullies have a weird psychology. They either pick on other kids who are very happy or very shy and sad. So mostly it’s either:

‘Oh whadda you smiling so much for, fart face? Yeah that’s right your face makes me fart. ON YOUR FACE! FART FACE.’

‘Did your mommy pack a little strawberry rainbow for the lunch?’

‘You bloody jumpy @#$%^, what’s keeping you so busy?’

Or:

‘Just hand over your lunch, you filthy slime’

‘I don’t know why they let mice attend school’

‘Do my homework and I might let you live’

But have you ever noticed most bullies refrain from bullying people who show neither of the extreme emotions or ignore them. Now that’s exactly my point. Too happy? Life will screw you! Too sad? Well you are already being screwed, you will be more. There is no escape from that one.

The trick is to be moderately happy and moderately sad. Noooo! Don’t do it consciously. Don’t make me feel like am writing one of those boring and impractical ‘help yourself’ books. This is just one blog and no, I don’t care about helping you, I just wanna be an ass and tell the world how smart I am and that I have it all figured out.

So…….rule one: not so happy yet not so sad.

When life throws lemons at you, you know what to do right? Tequila, lemonade whatever is your spirit, just make it and party all night. But when life throws roses at you beware the bully! Somehow it will always be the thorns that you catch hold of. It’s not your fault, the spin is wisely calculated. So be ready with a shield let the roses hit the shield and fall down. Trust me there is no shame in picking up the fallen roses, at least no bleeding right!!!

Now I know it’s not easy to understand or do. You really have to be gifted. The gift is of selfishness and of course shamelessness. For instance If life slaps you on the left cheek you do not, whatsoever give it your right cheek. That’s just lame and am not teaching ‘gandhigiri’. Well of course you don’t slap back either, because then you’re just calling a fight with the big guy, who is probably 10 times your size. You just thank him with complete fake honesty, for pulling out that rotten tooth you always wanted to, pat on the shoulder may be say ‘yo man! Thanks a lot I owe you one’ and keep walking shamelessly with what might seem like a half smiley face. 

Rule two: fall in love with your bully.

I know I sound crazy, but hey go back to all those pathetic love ballads of history. The lover is forever happy no matter what shit the muse brings upon him and eventually the muse falls for the trick and then the tables reverse.  So I say like a million others, ‘LOVE LIFE’. Turn the tables. Bully the bully. Of course it’s not easy, if anything this one is the hardest to do yet a sure fun. And then again, who ever asked you to fall in true love! Trust me as I repeat it time and again ‘THAT SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN’ and ‘WHAT KIND OF A MORON ARE YOU TO FALL FOR JUST ONE’.

Okay I know there is no substitute for life! But it still has variations and you must flirt with all of them. If need be flirt with its only substitute, death. It will make your bully sooo fucking jealous I tell you!

Be the slop, fall in and out of love as fast as a rickshaw falls in and out of the Mumbai potholes.

Rule three: make it a game of tag.

 Tag is an interesting game it’s all about speed. Slowcoaches! Not even god will save you. Now, remember how I said do not slap back. Picking up fight with a bully that’s 10 times your size is no story of courage; leave that for the mythologies written by zonked slobs and their steroids filled heroes.  Wax your ears and listen up. Every bully has a close web of pansy networking. They are the spineless slimes who will stick to anything and everything that pretends to supports them. Tag your fight on them, and shout ‘pass it on no returns!’ do not forget the ‘no returns’ part. Most of them are so sluggish and so stupid they won’t return and keep looking for someone else to tag. And because the web is so fucking spineless you are sure the shit will one day reach back to your bully.

Warning: this rule is really slow and reaches your main target after a long while, but somehow provides instant relief

Now the most important!!!!

Rule four also the golden rule:

 DON’T take me seriously but if you do and get heavily picked on by life…..I Do Not whatsoever give you any right to sue me.

P.S: read at your own risk

Happy dodging.