What a bummer!

Today was a bummer, suicide news of Sushant Sing Rajpot has hit hard and still not digested. But I am too scared and also a bit shy to talk about it. why? Because a) everyone will and because b) I really don't know what to say. I saw on tv one of his interviews he showed this big ass telescope he owned. How can someone who meets the stars and the universe up close so often from the comfort of his window be so weak to give up? But then again very often as I have myself gazed at the miracles of the night sky I have desperately wanted to go be amongst them. They say weak people commit suicide. But sometimes I think even wise people commit suicide. I don't know if it is the frivolity, the ever growing pain, or the ignorance of the world that pushes them so far away that silence turns into solitude and solitude quickly turns into withdrawal and withdrawal painfully turns into loneliness and despair. 

if you personally ask me, I still find it hard that someone so endearing would commit suicide. Yes they have their moments too where they are tired and just want to give up, but that usually turns out to be a pause in life to receive yet another epiphany, and with renewed spirits you move ahead. Introvert souls usually recognize fellow introvert souls even if they don't share physical space. And that's how I saw or felt connected to this human. A pleasant ambivert, learned, curious, hardworking, simple and un-frilled, basically averse of drama. Doesn't mean there isn't drama around them or was never in their lives, but someone who doesn't have it in their conscience. I napped post this news and got up with a headache that I have been trying to ignore since. Why is this affecting me so much? I didn't even know him personally. 

And now suddenly everyone is talking yet again about depression and how one can reach out and sending messages of being available to talk if I need to. I am sorry I don't need to. I may or may not want to, which is very different. In the 1st few weeks of lockdown many friends hosted virtual listening and sharing circles and many sent me links of similar circles. I attended none. Why? because sometimes it doesn't help, sometimes you don't want to, sometimes there is no capacity to put it in words, sometimes it all sounds way too pretentious and attention seeking in your own head, sometimes you are too weak to acknowledge, distinguish and accept help. So it's better to stay quiet and put than to offend anyone trying to remotely help you. 

I am an introvert and loner by choice and innate personality. Yes if you call me I will talk. I will talk about good things, upsetting things, stupid jokes, deep thoughts, all of it. depending on what connection I share with you I will talk and then go back to doing whatever I was doing like the conversation never interrupted it. 

I don't just call people to chit chat, even the ones I love, miss, or randomly think about. Yes I call when I have to share information, an idea or thought or talk about a problem or even to cry, and even then I prefer to drop a small message instead. But I never just randomly call. However I always welcome calls that have no agenda from the people I love, with honest, full attention as I respect that need in them and also feel chosen and valued. 

Why I don't call? I guess I have realised I am not that person anymore. I have realized when I do that, I do more out of the pressure of responsibility towards that relationship and its upkeep than actual fondness. The pressure then subconsciously ruins the conversation. I instead like to meet people in real, see them, feel them, gauge their facial expressions, sitting positions, a casual slap on the back or a high-five. Please don't profess video calls, I am actually averse to them and had to bite the bullet in this lockdown. 

I have completely internalized myself by choice, probably why I can now share myself with equal ease when I need to or rather want to. But yes to share and to be available for someone else's sharing needs a certain level of mental preparation and a pep talk to self. Usually when I need to talk to someone I send a message about it. which is why if you call me unannounced, i.e. without texting or mentally preparing me as to what time you are going to call me, very often your call will be missed or picked up with a quick promise to call later. That's a kind of self care I practice and sometimes I might have genuinely missed the call or be busy with urgent tasks. Which is why I have stopped telling people 'I am here for you whenever you need me' instead I now prefer 'If you feel there is anything I can help you with, let me know and I will try my best, even if it is just listening'. This just is a more honest statement for me. 

Cold callings still give me anxiety unless I have done the mental pep talk. I am not a casual caller whatsoever and I just need that to be respected.

Knowing and accepting this about myself was hugely liberating and hence I come back to this numbing news of a fellow ambivert succumbing to the thoughts of suicide and my mind thinks it cant just be depression, there must be triggers, there must be a story and most cases of depression have it. It rarely is just a depression. Which is when I come to the thought of; How much can we let people pull our strings, especially when it's always those very close to us? How much are we going to brew our loved ones in the broth of our ego led dramas? To the point of someone's death? How much do we hold on to relationships that suck out our energy than uplift? That assume than understand? That blame than ask? 

Heartbreak, romantic or platonic is always painful, and you literally want someone to end the pain by shooting you right through your ribs or between your eyes, cause that is exactly where in your body you physically acknowledge the pain. You haven't breathed in months or years and your ribs just want to explode! you haven't slept in months or years and your head just wants to fall off your shoulders. And like any other disease you conquer this with meds. The choice of meds may differ but what we all truly seek is freedom from pain. How do you do that? well you figure out the source of the pain and nip it in the bud, which is either a relationship, a thought process, a family drama, negative patterns of yourself or just stop putting up a fake 'i am ok' and turning into 'Ved from Tamasha', or the suicide. But suicide is when you think nothing you do will heal the world you live in. It is when you feel that either you or this world doesn't deserve the other. 

Some of us then choose the physical suicide and some choose a mental suicide. Because you cant kill yourself, because you tried an failed, because you believe in not interfering with nature's course or because you promised yourself never to be 'that' person. The reason could be anything and hence you choose a mental, emotional absence in your existence and you live with it everyday. You kill yourself everyday. One day at a time you master it and the next thing you know you actually love it. So much is the removedness that you can't make out if it's equanimity or just cowardly apathy. But there is an unexplainable peace, unquestionable strength to walk away from almost anything and an unwavering compassion in standing up for whatever you choose to stand up for, if at all you do. 

This rambling of a post is my virtual head nod, a respectful recognition of any or all fellow loners who derive their strength from internalizing and owning up to whoever the fuck they are or becoming. And also for those wise/weak/brave souls who internalize the pain in this world.

an old blog on suicide: 

http://mindlessstroll.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-change.html