Anonymous Life

I can’t see you. I see your soul, and I wish you could see mine too. It’s okay if you can’t; sometimes even I feel empty in my soul. I am so tired………; Tired of moving from one to other, tired of chasing god knows what. I expect people to understand me, to accept me and love me, when I myself can’t do any of that to my own.

I don’t understand me; one moment I want to be all alone and the next I wish I had someone to love, to sink into their arms and forget the world, to feel little again, to feel careless again. Sometimes I feel a weird invincible strength in being alone and then I also feel if I just had that one love in life I could conquer the whole world. One moment I want to own the whole damn world the next I could be the wandering fakir, no possessions, and no expectations, just so free.

I haven’t yet accepted myself. It’s clear from the way I hide myself from people all the time; Always the listener never the speaker. It tortures my soul when I think why I can’t be simple like other people? Why can’t I be happy? Why such a dire need to analyze deep?

But I do love myself, I love myself a lot. Like a diamond locked inside a safe. Is it possible for a diamond to turn back into coal? Or is a piece of hollow coal that has been misunderstood as diamond and so well preserved.

Hollow, the word keeps ringing in my head. I say the word again and again, realizing how even the movement of my mouth resonates its feel. I sleep, I sleep a lot. I hide my truth and viciously seek the world’s. So what good am I?  I am not humble, I am not honest; I am but a coward in every sense. And I will hide that too.

So I don’t blame you. I know you can’t see me, understand me or accept me. Love! Well that’s such an illusion to me as it is. So no, I don’t blame you for not loving me either.