I think I know who God is!

  When you are born and raised in a middle class Hindu family settled in India, there are not many chances of you growing up to be an atheist; especially if you belong to the city that never sleeps aka the city that celebrates ALL possible festivals on earth. Mumbai is where religiousness makes way for spirituality. Mumbai is where you will come across atheists who conveniently forget their ‘FAITH’ to participate in festivities and remember it as per their need to be cool.

As for me, well, I don’t know who I am yet. I was born indifferent, raised religious, self taught spirituality, self proclaimed animist; right now confused and probably die an indifferent again. Life is a full circle they say. Life! What is it? What is life? Is it a she or a he or a it?

I like being high, I like being high on such thoughts too; or maybe that’s precisely why I like being high. When I was a kid, every Sunday evening was the ‘Om Namhashivay’ evening. A dedicated half hour that unraveled the mysterious of the globally popular god ‘SHIVA’. It started with a transcendence male voice that said ‘Mai Omkar Hu’ (I am Omkar; the shapeless energy with no physical attributes, the higher power, the invisible almighty synonyms of THE GOD). Quite instantly I fell in love with this deity. His human avatar, a calm, kind and overgenerous being who from time to time went into fits of anger and showed no mercy to the bad. He is the father of all, they say. Especially the orphaned, he has a soft corner for the underprivileged, the beaten down. I liked it. I liked how he was good to good and bad to bad. So let’s go back to the part where he says ‘I am shapeless, formless’. So is he air? May be not, air has a form, a molecular form. What is he? What is God?

I laugh, inwardly of course, when I see God fearing people. But now I get it! Man, or rather all living creatures are not afraid of what they know and understand. We always fear the unknown more than the known. So if you are scared of God, then you are probably not aware of what god is and so you are probably no different from an atheist, except of course you want to believe that what you don’t understand exist irrespective of your narrow scope of intelligence. Whereas an atheist, I believe says, ‘if I didn't see it, it didn't happen’.

I don’t entirely remember the show but somehow this one image stayed in my brain forever. An endless cylindrical stream of fire, or let’s say colorful fumes. Our mind is sure trickster. This one time (when, let’s say I was in my own trance) I was staring at the painting hung on my wall it’s a scenery with blue mountains and a red river reflecting the red rays of a drowning sun and a red sky. But what do I see? Pink Floyd logo! Don’t ask me how. Then I see a red monster, is it Satan?

Hi Satan! Are you Satan?

Why?

You are all red!

So?

So are you Satan?

No!! am lord Shiva!

How can you be lord Shiva?

Why not! Am lord Shiva,

The god of destruction!!! hmm But I have heard ‘god creates and devil destructs’

But I am GOD of destruction

So are you Satan

I don’t know am I?

I don’t know I think I should sleep, may be you are Satan; maybe Satan is God- God is Satan! Who cares!

Hmmm. You should sleep goodnight!

Goodnight.

This second time (when, let’s say I was in my own trance again) I see the endless cylindrical stream of colorful fumes. Something that my mind had forgotten for years!!!!!!

What’s this, mind?

It’s God

What the hell are you talking about?

Didn't you know?

What does it do?

Nothing it just exists

God is suppose to do miracles not just exist

It is the miracle, the sole miracle and so it just exists

What is it called? Does it have a name?

LIFE!

BLOODY blue monkeys flying in a pink sky!!!!!

So the next morning I wake up trying hard to make sense of myself. Is it really that simple?? Is life really all the godliness, all the miracle all that there is to be?? May be it is.

Life is god. Not nature, not planets, not universe and definitely not our mythological gods, also there is no devil. Life as in the power that keeps everything alive is the only real thing. When it favors you, you call it god and when it doesn't it becomes Satan or devil etc.

We are mere forms for life to sustain itself. if we don't help it sustain itself we are chucked out. We are really not that big a deal nor is universe. Just the life in it.

People say worship. Worshiping God is complicated! if you don’t pray, god gets angry/ upset, he ruins your life! / doesn't help you in distress. So, what you are saying is that god is a big fat egoistic, self obsessed ass? Never mind! your theories to you, my theories to me.

Whereas life, it’s really simple, It is the only truth with only one rule, ‘The best ones survive the weak die out’. Stars, planets to micro organisms they all are ruled by just one theory. Weak and strong here means the survival instinct (yes Darwin made a lot more sense to me after this epiphany)

Life decides the weak from strong on the basis of how we help it (honestly I like calling life ‘her’ but I don’t want to sound sexist) flow ahead. Life is like a river, she can't stop. That's precisely why reproduction was created so that she can go on. Weak will give birth to weakness and one day all life will die. She can't afford that right?

Based on that, don’t you think asexuality or restricting/ tabooing sex (yes religious fanatics am talking to you) is as much satanic as homosexuality. As they both go exactly against life. But because homosexuality is natural (scientifically researched and proven, even in animals) it could probably be Life's own way to control its direction of flow and perhaps so is natural asexuality/ impotency.

Spirituality, on the other hand I believe is human brain’s creation to find stronger, happier physical existence. Science has proved happy people live longer and healthier so maybe that’s why there is this lobby for spirituality and good karma. I believe karma is a twin sister of life, (that is if there is anything more than just life out there) they both share a very wicked sense of humor, I must say.

Animals are not spiritual but yes they have will power. If the weak decides to live and not give up, miracles happen in the wild that are hard to explain. Like a lioness mothering a deer’s calf (yes it’s true! Google that)

So am not sure who I am or what is my purpose on earth, who is my god or what is my faith. But I have a feeling it’s definitely not buttering up some self obsessed guy’s/ lady’s ass. Is there any faith that only worships LIFE? I would like to change my wagon here; I sure want life to not chuck me out.