Compassionate Communication - What the fuck is that!?

Compassionate Communication - What the fuck is that?  #longpostalert

Haven’t we focused enough on languages, on what he said, she said. How about we focus on the language of the heart instead, the forgotten language.

There are a lot of systems out there, life coaching, non violent communication, training to be an empath, Compassionate Communication, NLP, sociocracy etc, etc. what is the crux of these systems? Are they just tools and techniques of meandering our words and thoughts to make them sound thoughtful. To paint them so, that people believe you put a great effort and care into the relationship? Do they merely make you an excellent orator?  Or is it like magic trick to suddenly have everyone listen and agree to you? Am I supposed to lie to people and tell them only pleasent things? Is it about being ‘miss goody two shoes’?

I have been exposed to some of the systems I mentioned above. Unfortunately I didn’t have the opportunity to attend a full-fledged workshop on any but saw it in action by the practitioners and teachers. Ever since being exposed to these, I went through a process. At 1st I was in complete awe of the systems' abilities, then I was totally clueless as to what truly the words meant. Words like awareness, inclusion, invitation, mindfulness, consent , boundaries, conditions, patterns, shadows, etc were thrown at me to figure out how different they mean in different contexts and how the power of these words was abused to cover up the real burning issues. And then I was at complete repulsion of anyone who tried to talk like that. I started disregarding them, as void of human emotions and authenticity. I went to the other extreme of purely talking from impulse from my truest deepest emotions no matter how ugly it came out. Then, i got tired of always riding high and low on my emotions. And so did I finally understand that compassionate communication was actually a beautiful amalgamation of all my stages.

Now you must remember I never attended a proper workshop except for a two day workshop on sociacracy which had more to do with shifting of work space hierarchy but very much applicable to personal life.  You realise somewhere in the middle of the process that being non violent doesn’t mean you discount your emotions especially the negative ones of anger, jealousy or resentment, but it is the very opposite - to acknowledge them more than ever. But to not identify with them as your whole. It is a place where you know you are upset, you know WHY you are upset, you know you cannot undo the wrong already done, you know you don’t want to be vindictive , you know you want to act from love because that is your true essence but at the same time you want to do everything in your capacity to make the other person realise that what happened was not okay and its repetition won’t be tolerated. So the only way to avoid its recurrence is to understand why it happened in the 1st place and how can all those involved come to a mutual solution.

Hence the word ‘awareness’ cause you are aware of how you feel, why you feel it, and what would you like to do to change or not change that. And you are also assisting the other person to be aware of it and if you are in luck they’ll probably also be aware of their own situation.

So how can one be aware? By trying to know and repeating what your intent is?

The systems talk about right tone, words, posture too maybe of ‘how to influence more people and make more friends’ :P

But I wonder how many of them will tell you what your intention should be, simply because no one except you can tell you who you are. We are often blinded by wrong intentions or let’s just say our intentions are often lost under the weight of heavy words and correct language, and swept off by the pressure of survival.

When I was struggling with practically all the human relationships in my life at that time, it was fatally painful to see that no conversation was pleasant, without misunderstandings, arguments or crying.  Especially for an introvert who prefers writing to talking, who prefers not to look into people’s eyes during conversations, who would rather be doing her own things than talk in 1st place and finds it lot easier to talk to cats, any non human entity basically even non living things will do much fine actually. Actively going through a communication transformation was overwhelmingly tiring. Doubts of losing my true voice, of appearing fake, of becoming robotic would really suck the joy and confidence of even talking to people I otherwise enjoyed talking to.

So amidst all these confusing feelings the only thing that struck me the loudest was, “no I am a writer I cannot afford to lose my true voice, my way, my style”

“Okay, agreed. So what is your style?”

“Hmm don’t know. Don’t have a word for it.”

Exactly! Words are just words. Tools! Treat them like tools; don’t let them define who you are. 

So it wasn’t the words alone that I used, what I did use majorly were the pauses. The blank spaces are equally, if not more important than the words themselves. And so are pauses in our thoughts. It's not easy to practice this while the whole world is pushing you to talk and talk fast, cause otherwise your dumb or lying. Every time I felt extreme emotions, I tried to pause, asked myself, why are you really upset or happy. What do you like about the given situation or dislike? How do you want to make the other person feel? What is it that you really would like to happen differently and how? 

And in all those questions I always had one answer no matter what the situation or who the person. I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to be happy, I want to speak honestly no matter how hard it is or what people think and I want to listen, I want to make the people feel like they can talk with all their honesty no matter how hard or harsh it may be.

“Why do you want to do that?”

“ I guess cause I know how it feels to be unwanted, to be regarded as the dumb kid in class, who doesn’t have good ideas to share, as the youngest child in the family, who must listen, not share, to be bullied by peers and adults alike, to heavily doubt the value of my existence." These are painful experiences that millions of people go through as kids and adults, how many are you going to protect? Who all will you blame? So how about I show them how I want to be treated/ talked to by talking to them in that very manner? Honestly I feel it also gives you a sense of courage and freedom. It takes away your insecurities your basic survival mode reactions. So you are not lying, hiding under anger or attacking to protect yourself, infact you aren’t doing any of these at all, there is no motivation for malice when there is no fear of eradication.

I agree being in the writing profession, language was easy, words were easy but that is precisely why I must be more careful. Careful of tendencies to take it for granted, tendencies to put down; those who can’t use the correct “words” and so on. And just to be really honest I do struggle with mild dyslexia and I am myself not a big fan of tough vocabulary. I would rather know few words than know many but not the true meaning or essence of any.

So this is what I have to say “if your intent is right, read - if your heart is in the right place the words will just flow. The body will always align and the eyes will always speak that which really needs to be spoken and you will be always received for exactly what you are giving”

Following are my learnings from observations:

Give love not your need to impress: truly love the person, not what they have to offer to you, their strengths or relationship with you, not their usefulness, but the fact that they are a living, breathing miracle of life, full of stories that are exclusive only to them. Love them because so are you a living miracle of life that was meant to love.  Keyword: love as you would want to be loved

Give peace not passive aggressive need to escape conflict: accept the situation as something that has happened and by the virtue of physics no one can go back in time and change that, but you can change the now and you can change it only by acknowledging your truest emotions and needs around that situation. Don’t even waste your energy trying to fathom the other person, that’s not your job, that’s their job. And the more you show them how to do it with your actions they will do it too. Keyword: accept all that is or was.

Give truth not your version of truth; it is very easy to believe what we believe but it is very difficult to know why we don’t want to believe that we don’t believe.  Keyword: be honest at every cost with yourself than anyone else.

Give curiosity not presumptions and judgments: it is very easy to assume the other is our enemy. But it pays a great deal of happiness to know there is no other and we are all same in so many ways than we could list. Ask questions; seek to understand than label people. No one said you have to become them but can you at least allow them to continue to become who they are and so in the process truly become who you are.  Key word; accept differences

Give them an insight of your fears/ concerns not accusations: no one likes to start a conversation with blame especially if it’s baseless or just a way for you to vent out your anger. Basically don’t give them your anger. Someone once said your anger is as precious as, rather, more precious than your love. Don’t give it to anyone loosely.” Now, I’d say ‘love all but don’t need all, acknowledge your anger but don’t give it to anyone, if you can.” Share what really bothers you instead, and why; share what your non-negotiables are and put your foot down for them. And please don’t make your concerns about “oh look! how much I care about you. That my fear is out of a concern FOR YOU.” Let’s face it, most of our fears are selfish. Even when we fear losing someone rather especially that, it’s not merely because we love them but we need or are used to them.  Keyword: invite them into your thought process. Don’t assume they know already.

Give silence not insults: and inspite of all your efforts when people don’t respect your true essence, choose to be silent than to lash out insults. Insults that you know are untrue and are merely tools for you to rip out the other person in flesh and bones. It is satisfying but it isn’t worth it.

And after all of this you will still have ugly conversations. But always know that is exactly what they are, conversations. They don’t define the entirety of your relationships. Probably why best friends can curse each other and still laugh together. Inspite of your efforts some people will refuse to acknowledge or change. Let them be. One less person on your list is not going to cost you your life but perhaps trying to pull them back on, will. Besides everyone has a different learning curve and journey. But what do you do when the relationship is very close like parents, siblings, partners, children, thickest friends...... well if you live under the same roof, trust me the language of love cannot be ignored. As long as the intention of love and honesty are constant, it will always find its way of reaching the other side. But please don’t misunderstand love with a pattern to behave subordinate, altruistic, over caring, overbearing and definitely not glamorizing pain. To love for me is to accept the person, that there will always be things about them that they will never change and I will never be able to accept. And to accept that through it all we have to find a way to cohabit. 'Agree to disagree'. To find my safe space amidst it, to understand my reality and not seek control by manipulating others. To honestly apologise and forgive yourself because you can be and are allowed to be wrong too. 

It doesn’t mean I tolerate bullshit, it only means I see bullshit for what it is and always call it out with courage and not with fear of losing control or people. Someone else’s bullshit should not be a threat to you it should be a threat to them. And that is exactly where you will put it, in their court. Most of us understand anger and hatred but literally no one knows what to do with love, how to react to it. So give people time. I strongly believe that as long as there is no intent of malice and you aren’t dealing with criminals or psychopaths, relationships do resolve, infact they strengthen. And after all of this jazz, you will still go back and forth with the process, still have ugly conversations once in a while. It’s okay. Because by this time everyone has learnt that this is just an ugly conversation, nothing more.

What about people who aren’t living under the same roof?

Well, your process might just take a little bit longer or way sooner.

Everything I share I do so from my sluggishly slow and painful process but extremely fruitful and happy experience of resolving some of the most important relationships in my life. If I were to go back in time and tell my younger self about relationships that have resolved, the number and variety of people who have blessed my life, the kind of self-worth I feel, she would never believe me.

Why am I sharing this so publicly?

Until 5 years ago if you would have told me I have to stay under house arrest with my family for more than a month, I think I would fall sick merely out of anxiety. Not today. As I increasingly see people complaining about being stuck with the family I see how we have ran away from addressing the most important. I had situations that forced me to address this a few years ago. We are more than ever scared about being thrown in the face of every emotion and conflict that we have up till now successfully pushed under the carpet.

Am I always happy and laughing and having a jolly good time with my family?

Well no! we fight, I miss farms, I miss vacations, yes we argue and we also have light banter, serious deep conversations, silence and everything in between. Basically it’s okay. As long as we can sip tea in balcony, feeling the cool breeze and smile to nothing together: it’s not all lost.  So stay home stay safe.  Unless you are dealing with clinical psychopaths and abusers, then call the god damn police.