I want to know.

Once again am stuck in a place where I feel like moving backwards. I think it is good. When you’re not able to move ahead its okay, but nothing is worst than not moving at all. Have you ever closely observed a long jump athlete in Olympics? They go back before the jump. The farther back they go the longer is the jump.

Yeah, I know nothing new in the thought, but it’s definitely not a lame excuse to cover up my backward progress. let me tell you one thing. This might be a known concept but think about this; after the athlete goes back before the jump, he runs in full speed up till he reaches the line. Now that is what decides your leap. If you run slowly there is no way you’re going to make it. If you run too fast without knowing when to leap you might just skip the line and be disqualified. The run defines your destiny.

So as much as am not scared of moving backwards, I am of screwing up my run. There are times when am scared of myself. I am not just talking about my morning face in the mirror but the entire person that is standing in front of me.

In a few more months I’ll be turning 24 and its freaking me out. The more I grow up the more I fail to see the point in growing up. God save me from this Peter Pan syndrome! And all the other syndromes I suffer from. Like ‘I hate my work’ syndrome. My friend just made a doodle about ‘love your work’ crap and pinned on my board. It doesn’t help. It just made me hate my work more.

So what to do? Where to go? Should I just leave my job and wait from some cosmic awakening that will tell me my purpose on this planet? Or should I wait till I get another ‘exciting at first, deceiving in real’ jobs?

When people asking me in their annoying squeaky voice; ‘so  ...What are you doing these days?  I feel like saying ‘wasting my time.’  But then I end up saying ‘I am doing a job’.

How is that wasting time, you ask? Read the above…I hate it remember!!

But then sometimes I think; I hate what I do because I have a choice to hate it. When I see old people boarding crowded trains with big loads and travelling to their work places, when I see people travel from one end of the country to other, every single day for work, when I see crowded trains full of dead people returning home at close to midnight, I wonder. What if one fine day am robbed of this choice, of this freedom to go and figure out my true calling and end up being more confused. Would it be a good thing? Will I become one of those people or am I already?

I don’t have hungry mouths to feed. Am not the bread winner and something makes me think I never will be one. So why am I pouring my sweat and blood into something that makes me feel hollow? Who am I earning for? Personally I don’t even like the concept of money.

I am earning for ‘future’, for ‘just in case bad circumstances’ for ‘impressing’, but what about my present, what about the sickeningly boring circumstances now, what about being happy?

Arggggggghhhh! These ‘live in present’, ‘follow your heart’, ‘dream big’ ideals have totally screwed up my life. They will never let me be happy. Someone truly said “ignorance is bliss”.

Make me ignorant! You either teach me to take right decisions or take all my options away, but for goodness sake don’t keep me hanging in the middle. It’s pathetic, my dreams leave me high and my options leave me dry.

I envy the boring clerk who knows there is nothing more to his life. I envy the farmer who knows his green farm is what he lives to see every day. I envy the beggar who knows he has nothing to lose. They all know!! I wish to know too. I wish to be ignorant of my options and just for once KNOW what I am doing.